There are few things more uncomfortable than flying on a plane across the country. Here are the 10 types of people that will make your uncomfortable cross-country flight even crappier:
The Fat Guy
The Fat Guy seems like the most cliche bad air travel companion ever, but then again, you've never been on an airplane that didn't have a fat guy on it. I'm not just talking overweight, either. I'm talking about the guy who, if he can manage to fit himself into a single airplane seat, has to ask for the Seatbelt Extender so that he can buckle up. I'm still trying to figure out how that guy goes home and eats dinner, only hours after having to request a seatbelt extender so that he could fit onto a plane safely.
The Chatty Person Who Can't Speak English
I'm all for people being social. I enjoy a decent conversation with a stranger as much as the next guy, but if you don't speak a word of english, then it's probably best that we just don't try to talk about your vacation and your kids and stuff like that. You can say "entiendes?" as much as you want, but there's no way I'm going to entiendes you any better after the six hour flight than I did before it. Just let it go.
The Semi-Attractive Woman
It seems like really super-hot chicks never fly on planes. While there may not be one of those to gawk at for the six hour flight, there's bound to be at least one woman on your flight that's semi-attractive. After you're in your seat and the other passengers are still filing in, you'll inevitably start thinking about disaster scenarios, and what roles each of these people would play if the plane crashed in the middle of the ocean or something. Who would carry the conch shell? Who would start fires with their glasses and then get their head bashed in with a rock? The semi-attractive woman is the one that you'd totally bang if you had to. You never know when some ball lightning might take out one of the plane's engine and force it into a crash-landing scenario, so you may as well flirt with her a little to lay some groundwork, just in case.
The Questions Guy
It's easy to get this guy confused with "Guy Who Has Been Blind For His Entire Life Until This Morning", because the Questions Guy acts like he's never seen anything before in his life. He has to call a flight attendant to ask what all the buttons do. Then he has to call her to ask how to get the blanket out of the plastic bag that it comes in. Then he has to ask where the headphones plug in, how the tray table comes down, and whether or not you can open the window. It's like you're sitting next to Radio, except this guy seems slightly more retarded, and you're automatically guilty by association, just because you're seated next to him.
The Person With The Baby
Babies are brutally honest. If a baby is in an uncomfortable situation, like a plane ride, for example, the kid is going to let you know how much they hate it. The only problem is that they can't use words yet, so the way they tell you they don't like something is by screaming bloody f*cking murder for 6 straight hours, and the parents just think it's adorable that their child is freaked out at the idea of being encapsulated in a tin can at 30,000 feet. If you're sitting next to this person, you'd better have some Death Metal on your ipod, because it's the only music that can be accentuated by a child screaming its balls off in the background.
The Old Person
Old people always smell like shit covered in dust. Always. I don't like standing next to shit covered in dust, let alone sitting in a confined space with it for hours on end and listening to it wheeze and cough and sip a ginger ale through its nasty old teeth and then mumble something about its teeth hurting from the cold of it, even though you know they're fake teeth, and then dabbing its fake teeth with the complimentary blanket and then blowing its nose on the blanket and then placing the old-person-snot-covered blanket on the arm rest in between the two of you.
The Pilot
Hopefully there will be a pilot on your flight. If there's not, then you should start worrying. If there is a pilot, then you're probably not going to die on this flight. You will, however, be forced to listen to him talk at length about the tiniest, most insignificant bullshit details of his job that you couldn't give a shit about. If the takeoff is delayed by 5 minutes, he'll be sure to keep you informed of what the problem is (and he'll speak technically, not in layman's terms), who told him what the problem was, who told that guy to tell him what the problem was, and who he told to tell something to that guy about after that guy told him. He'll also be sure to interrupt your nap periodically to point out really interesting landmarks, like The Texas Panhandle, and Kansas City. I wish his radio was two way, because somebody needs to tell him that nobody f*cking cares.
The Smelly Guy
This guy is different than The Fat Guy, in that his body is not trying to osmose you and your seat. The Smelly Guy is not easily distinguished from a distance, which makes him dangerous because he could be anyone. You'll know you've found him when you find yourself within a five foot radius of his body, because suddenly it smells like somebody shit a dead possum into a bucket of week-old piss and thai food vomit. His 3-day-old B.O. could be due to a general lack of hygiene, but it's most likely due to the fact that he's been traveling on an airplane for a really long time, meaning that by the end of this trip, you could be somebody else's Smelly Guy. Try not to let that happen.
The Bitchy Flight Attendant
Sexy flight attendants are to the real world was dry land was to Waterworld: a myth. As much as we all want it to be a super-cute young babe handing us a tiny can of orange juice, it's always going to be a middle aged woman who looks like she may have been cute at one point, but then she chain smoked for 10 years straight, shriveled up, maybe got hit by a car or two, and decided not to get that long-overdue nosejob that she'd been dreaming of for so long. She should have gotten it, and she knows it. That's why she's going to take every opportunity she gets to be a snooty bitch. She hates her job, and why shouldn't she? It seems like a pretty shitty job. You're just walking up and down a row in a stupid outfit giving peanuts to fatties. It's just like being Jessica Simpson's personal assistant, except that job probably pays more.
The Prisoner
This seems like a weird one to be on a list of frequent flyers, but in our extensive traveling experiences this past weekend, we saw more than the standard amount of people in handcuffs being escorted via airplane. Surprisingly, The Prisoner will actually be much more pleasant than most of the other air travelers that you'll encounter, because he's just happy to be outside of a cell for a few hours, getting some fresh air and being not raped for a while. He'll be pretty chatty with the large, scary guys who are escorting him, and he may even talk to other people if they let him. Be careful, though: he's going to tell you his entire life story, and he's going to be brutally honest about it. Try not to piss him off, either, because he's already going to jail, so he's not hesitant about attacking someone who pushes him to far. For example, don't tell him you're going to write an internet article about him where you mention that he gets raped in prison. He will not like that at all.
From Holytaco
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